Colton – Week 9 & Women Tell All

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WE MADE IT TO THE FENCE JUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Guys I have been shook all week, and between my early retirement and Monday night’s heartbreaking episode I have been delayyyeeed.  You know me, Imma blame it on Mercury going into Regrograde.

By now you know that Cassie has ruined Colton’s life. That girl fought accusations that she was not ready for marriage all season, only to come to Portugal and dump Colton because why? SHE’S NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE. This is why 23 year olds should not be on this show, this is some piping hot bullshit. She watched her best friend in the house, Caelynn, go home last week full knowing she wasn’t even that into Colton. Shake my damn head, that was cold Cassie.

Even colder was Colton going on that date with Tayshia. He took her to the Fantasy Suite, letting her think he was ready to lose his V-Card, all the while he was only thinking about Cassie! He let poor poor Tayshia put her whole heart out on the line while he was day dreaming about Cassie in her Pac Sun string bikini and all of the blonde babies they would have.

I’m not sure this show is ethical to watch, it has been feeling like the Hunger Games for a while now and this episode really just pushed me over the edge. Watching Cassie dump Colton was so so painful. It triggered me to a point my father was concerned for my emotional well-being. It’s not great when he saw his 33 year old daught weeping on the couch screaming at the tv about how love is dead.

Legally Blonde Liar GIF

My anger wasn’t even about Cassie or Colton, it was about all of the guys who broke up with me and didn’t have a good answer. Cassie could barely get out her thoughts, her only response was “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know”. GIRL, you are breaking this man’s heart, you better know!!! And she did know, but it sucks to say to someone that is shaking and crying that you just aren’t that into them. No one likes dumping people, but you need to put your big girl panties on and be real with Colton that it ain’t gonna happen.  The most brutal break ups I’ve had is when the guy leaves a tinge of hope that maybe things could be different for us one day, keeping that door open for me to cling to for eternity. That small doubt becomes something you fixate on, not allowing you to move on with your life. I have so much sympathy for Colton… yet again only 7 women in the house told him that this exact thing would happen if he kept Cassie so maybe I don’t feel that bad for him.

Colton is pushed to his breaking point, or should I say jumping point 😉

Chris Harrison He Just Jumped The Fence GIF by The Bachelor

Normally a scene with this much hype never lives up to the expectations, but this really delivered. Colton is engraged by everything I think I may be attracted to him? Something about an angry brooding guy really does it for me. I hope he comes back from the Portuguese countryside to have his Fantasy Suite with Hannah G, that would be a huge missed opportunity. But if I know Coltoon, and I think I do, he will absolutely blow this chance to get the hottest girl on the show in bed.

gordon ramsey idiot GIF

Women Tell All

What a fucking transition from Monday to Tuesday night’s Women Tell All episode. I was in NO mood to watch a bunch of Colton’s rejects and dumpers yell at eachother for their audition on Bachelor in Paradise.  How on earth could I care about Onyeka and Nicole when Colton’s running around Portugal with his heart broken?? Has anyone checked on Hannah G. just waiting in a villa for her date????

I would have prefered 90 minutes of bloopers and 30 minutes of just Demi roasting the rest of the contestants. But alas we did not have that. We did get to see Colton, and damn he looked weird with darker hair. I don’t think he’s well.

CHRIS HARRISON, COLTON UNDERWOOD

He’s just smiling a tad too hard for me to think he is in a genuinely good place. He’s definitely still a virgin.

League Scores

Colton

Last Week Standing Name Team Name Score
1 Gianna virginity related name to be submitted at a later date 3140
2 Caitlin Colton Underwood? More like Under-WOULDN’T 2965
2+ 2 Nikki Colt 45 and Chris Harrison, baby that’s all we need 2965
-1 4 Molly Rose I’m only watching in case Colton comes out 2950
5 Kathia Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time? I think NOT. 2910
1+ 6 Julie S. Not Here to Make Friends 2890
1+ 7 Alex H. Is it the Bachelor if there aren’t any Laurens? 2880
1+ 8 Micaela The Cherries 2865
3+ 9 Mark When You’re Ready… 2850
-4 10 Lauren A season without a Lauren! 2765
2+ 11 Amanda Colton was kicked off the practice squad 2750
-1 11 Sarah H. Ugh as if 2750
1+ 13 Liz Like sloths to a flame 2710
1+ 14 Megan TheRightReasons69 2705
-4 15 Kelly You’re a virgin who can’t drive 2635
2+ 16 Julie L. 90 Seconds with Jules 2585
2+ 17 Kayla Being A Virgin Isn’t a Personality Trait 2510
-2 18 Lucy Pour Out a Coors for #BlakeforBachelor 2490
4+ 19 Jason “Mmmmmm I Like This!” 2465
-3 20 Jacob I like my Bachelors like I like my olive oil… extra virgin. 2430
-2 21 Sylvie I’m A Sloth, Duh 2360
-1 22 Sarah P. I’d Climb Over a Gate to Escape From This Season Too 2325
-1 23 Mtl-M FlowerRobbers 2300
4+ 24 Katie R. r u still a virgin if it’s in the Buttz Galore 2135
25 Blair Blonde Babes 2080
-2 26 Hadas Rose Before Bros 2000
-1 27 Kent If Sherman Has Sex Before I Do I’m Gonna Be Pissed 1995
-2 28 Joe Molten Colton 1905
29 Keturah started from the becca, now we’re here… 1880
30 Nate Over the Wall 1815
1+ 31 Trintee Miss Cherry Poppins 1810
-2 32 Weston Token White Male 1765
33 Devin kitty named Kitty 1655
34 Will Will’s Wacky Team 1640
35 Anthony xo_~*eVerY Ro$e Ha$ a tHoRN*~_xo 1330
36 Kate J. Born Again Virgin 1085
37 Matt Better laid than never… 970
38 Katie J. At this point, I’m only here for Neil Lane 830
39 Marillyn NFL – Never Felt a Lady 580

We got two episodes of points here and there definitely were some people that faired better than others.  Buttz Galore and JWoo being the biggest jumps, congrats!!! You’ll notice that I did not include how many women you have left, because at this point it’s pointless. We all have zero people left because everyone is dumping everyone. A season of big dumps.

Coming into the final week, you will have the opportunity for BONUS POINTS, so please click the link below and make your predictions for the chance to earn some very crucial finale points. It could push you over the edge, can anyone beat Gianna??? All entries are due before Monday at 8 pm.

Bonus Points Submissions

With much sadness I must excuse myself like all four of the women who dumped Colton. This will be my last blog on Madam Commissioner and I’m cryng like Colton did after Cassie dumped him! I love this league and all of you crazy people that have played along all of these years. I leave you in good hands with Gianna and Buttz Galore, I have no doubt they will take us into the Finale with grace and pizzazz.  Thank you for everything and please send a usb drive with a video file of the finale to Costa Rica so I can watch it ❤

xoxo Madam Commissioner

 

Colton – Week 8

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Greetings from the perfect place to fall in love, Chicago O’Hare International Airport! I’m so romanced by the lack of charging ports (no phone makes me really feel like I’m on The Bachelor), the wafting scent of  Panda Express (I’m eating exotic foods just like they did in Singapore!), and screaming babies (sounds just like Colton bungee jumping!). SWOON!

I’m currently en route to my hometown, which is great timing to go with Monday night’s episode. We traveled to meet the four remaining contestant’s families. First stop: Virginia!

Caelynn – Fredericksburg, Virgina

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I’m going to have to ignore the fact that Caelynn’s only job title to speak of is Miss NORTH CAROLINA 2018, and yet she has the audacity to take us to VIRGINIA? This is some straight up bullshit, she could have at least rented an Airbnb in Charlotte to keep up the charade that she lives in the state she represents at beauty pageants.

I’m not trying to be judgmental on hometown date activities, because lord knows what kind of shit I’d drag a Bachelor to (probably hunting squirrels or hanging out in the K-mart parking lot). It’s just not great to watch a carriage ride tour romanticizing Civil War landmarks.  After a quick search on Tripadvisor for alternate date activities, this carriage ride may have been their best option. I stopped scrolling when the Top 5 activites were all Civil War reenactments and a river dam called “Indian Punch Bowl”.

We head back to Caelynn’s family’s house for a lovely BBQ. The women in Caelynn’s family are are indistinguishable.  It’s a sea of silky hair and furby-esque eyes. There is a moment when I legit tear up because Caelynn’s step-dad is one of the sweetest men alive. Caelynn’s biological father is no longer in the picture, yet this family is happy and healthy. IMAGINE, families look different and divorce doesn’t mean the children are ruined forever.  What. A. World.

Hannah G – Birmingham, Alabama

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I couldn’t find any interesting photos of Birmingham, so I just took this still of Sweet Home Alabama instead.

If I thought Caelynn’s date was triggering, Hannah G was like “hold my beer”. She brought Colton to an etiquette class at a plantation. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Oh dear god, WHY????

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I’m just chugging pinot grigio through this, because I need to get to the point where we get to meet her family.  If we remember Hannah G’s one-on-one date (between the soft core porn scenes she was filming with Colty), she talked about how her parent’s divorce was hard on her. She knew her family would never be the same when her mom drove her car through the lawn to ruin her father’s hard work landscaping.  I needed to meet this woman! I stan a petty queen who is willing to destroy a man’s favorite past time.  Ladies and gents, Mrs. G did not disappoint.

I’m about to go Tom Cruise on you all and jump on a couch and scream “I LOVE THIS WOMAN”!!! She gives no fucks, and somehow looks nothing like her daughter yet so much like her daughter at the same time. She was weirded out by Colton’s virginity and loved a heavy pour of chardonnay.  She can come to my watch party anytime.

Go Get It Episode 8 GIF by The Bachelor

Tayshia – Santa Ana, California

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I’ll admit, at this point I started to chat more with Sarah P. (shout out to her for having me over when I was TV-less!!!) than paying attention.  Here is what I gathered, Tayshia blindfolds Colton to surprise him with a fun activity.  Fun Fact: Colton is still a virgin and Tayshia can’t drive.

Episode 8 Tayshia GIF by The Bachelor

Tayshia pulls a power move and decides they need to go skydiving, because Colton is afraid of heights and she wants to assert her dominance. I’m just pleased to have another opportunity to watch Colton scream.

Back at Tayshia’s house, her family seems awesome. They are rightly skeptical of their recently divorced daughter going on a dating show and getting engaged in a few weeks. Her dad eventually comes around and ill-advisedly gives his blessing for a proposal. This leaves me thinking the only sane one here is her little brother, his attitude about the whole evening is a mood if I’ve ever seen one.

Cassie – Orange County, CA

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We drive a quick 20 minutes down the 55 freeway, and hit Huntington Beach for Cassie’s Hometown. If you weren’t aware, I lived in Huntington Beach for 2 years while I obtained my Associates Degree and spent a fortune at Pac Sun and Hollister.

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My shirt says “This is why I’m hot”, clearly. 

Cassie wisely chooses to teach Colton how to surf. This allows her to show off her hot bikini bod and make Colton feel insecure for he is a terrible athlete and does not pick up surfing easily.  It’s really not fair that the OC ladies have such better date activities than the southern ladies.  Tayshia and Caelynn already have an automatic leg up because Colton definitely wants to move to California, but to throw in a fun activity in the mix? Caelynn and Hannah G. are screwed.

We’ve finally hit the main event: Matt Randolph. This man is both terrifying and completely reasonable, which is foreign territory for the Bachelor. He refuses to give his permission for Colton to marry Cassie. I almost expect Colton to offer up some water buffalo for this business exchange, but her dad is not budging.

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Colton is feeling the heat, what will the virgin do???? He better jump that fucking fence, that’s what he should do.

Rose Ceremony

I saw the season preview and intellectually, I understood that Tayshia was going to Fantasy Suites because I saw her say “Cheers to Fantasy Suites!”. However, at this rose ceremony, I did not think she stood a chance in hell. I was super wrong obviously, it was poor Miss NOT North Carolina that was sent home. She left with a hug and a whisper to Cassie instructing her to “Go get engaged”.  Is this foreshadowing???

League Scores

Colton

Last Week Standing Name Team Name Score Contestants Left
1 Gianna virginity related name to be submitted at a later date 2615 3
2 Caitlin Colton Underwood? More like Under-WOULDN’T 2470 3
3 Molly Rose I’m only watching in case Colton comes out 2450 2
-1 4 Nikki Colt 45 and Chris Harrison, baby that’s all we need 2435 2
2+ 5 Kathia Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time? I think NOT. 2385 3
-1 6 Lauren A season without a Lauren! 2380 3
1+ 7 Julie S. Not Here to Make Friends 2360 3
-2 8 Alex H. Is it the Bachelor if there aren’t any Laurens? 2355 3
1+ 9 Micaela The Cherries 2340 3
2+ 10 Sarah H. Ugh as if 2305 3
-2 11 Kelly You’re a virgin who can’t drive 2300 2
-1 12 Mark When You’re Ready… 2295 3
13 Amanda Colton was kicked off the practice squad 2245 3
14 Liz Like sloths to a flame 2240 3
2+ 15 Megan TheRightReasons69 2170 2
-1 16 Lucy Pour Out a Coors for #BlakeforBachelor 2145 2
1+ 17 Jacob I like my Bachelors like I like my olive oil… extra virgin. 2090 2
1+ 18 Julie L. 90 Seconds with Jules 2085 2
4+ 19 Kayla Being A Virgin Isn’t a Personality Trait 2020 3
-3 19 Sylvie I’m A Sloth, Duh 2020 1
21 Sarah P. I’d Climb Over a Gate to Escape From This Season Too 2015 2
22 Mtl-M FlowerRobbers 1990 2
1+ 23 Jason “Mmmmmm I Like This!” 1934 2
-4 24 Hadas Rose Before Bros 1815 2
-5 25 Blair Blonde Babes 1800 1
26 Joe Molten Colton 1770 1
-1 26 Kent If Sherman Has Sex Before I Do I’m Gonna Be Pissed 1770 2
28 Katie R. r u still a virgin if it’s in the Buttz Galore 1685 2
-2 29 Keturah started from the becca, now we’re here… 1620 1
4+ 30 Nate Over the Wall 1550 2
1+ 30 Weston Token White Male 1550 2
32 Trintee Miss Cherry Poppins 1530 2
-3 33 Devin kitty named Kitty 1520 0
1+ 34 Will Will’s Wacky Team 1330 1
-2 35 Anthony xo_~*eVerY Ro$e Ha$ a tHoRN*~_xo 1300 0
36 Kate J. Born Again Virgin 1040 1
37 Matt Better laid than never… 895 1
38 Katie J. At this point, I’m only here for Neil Lane 785 1
39 Marillyn NFL – Never Felt a Lady 510 0

Danngggg! Nate and Kayla are making some moves this week, each rising 4 spots! Congrats! But can anyone catch Gianna??? Lord knows I’m going to try.

Next week we have twoooo episodes. I’m going to try and put up a post for each, but depending how boring the Fantasy Suites & Women Tell All are, I may need to combine them.

Some housekeeping: Since there are only 3 women left, you do not need to submit any picks this week.  For the Women Tell All, you will earn points for all of your team members. Historically, this has allowed some come backs to happen, so fingers crossed your girls are gunning for Paradise and do something dumb on Tuesday!

TTYL,

xoxo Madam Commissioner

League Announcements & Team Submission Reminder

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Hi Bach Fam! Though none of us are recovered from the Oscars, it is Bachelor Monday so get your wine and twitter fingers ready.

You may be aware that my last day at Shubert was on Friday.  This league started out as me bullying office friends into a Bachelor based competition, but has grown so much larger and turned into a huge source of joy for me. Thank you for loving this shitty franchise and investing your time and energy into the League. It’s been such an honor being your Madam Commissioner, and though I am no longer working at 520 8th Avenue (the most ROMANTIC place to fall in love), the League will continue! I will be in the United States with access to internet the next two weeks, and after that I will hand the rose over to none other than Miss Gianna and Buttz Galore.  They will finish this season out with the passion you’ve come to expect from the best Bachelor Fantasy League in the land!

That said, I will enjoy my final weeks of power as Madam Commissioner.  I received a lot of feedback from members of the League that they suspect Hannah B will make an appearance this episode based off of the trailer for the upcoming episode. I’ve added her back in for points eligibility, so if you have her on your team feel free to play her.  If you have already submitted your team and having Hannah Beast back on the bench makes a difference to who you would like to play, feel free to submit a new line up to earn points. I also added an “other” option if you have anyone else you think may be coming back. I seriously doubt anyone who has been eliminated will be earning many points this week, but I’m a commissioner of the people! You asked and I delivered.

Fantasy League Team Submissions

Thank you everyone and believe even though I’m not going to be in New York, you haven’t heard the last of me! I will continue blogging but on a VERY different topic: My Peace Corps Experience. It will have much lest vulgarity because I’m told the government will monitor it, but they can’t stop me from posting photos of myself  and gifs of Kris Jenner 🙂

https://caitlinrbrooks.wordpress.com/

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xoxo Madam Commissioner

Colton – Week 7 I think?

HANNAH B., COLTON UNDERWOOD

How. Are. We. Still. Doing. This. Season. I feel like I’ve been on this journey for LoVe FoReVeR.  I’m emotionally exhausted, and it’s not just because the sun is in Pisces and I’m feeling extra sensitive. The women in the house are losing their damn minds over a failed football player with no interpersonal skills. Everyone is lying and everyone needs to go take a nap before they pop a blood vessel in their eye.

Last week we left Vietnam with Tayshia and Kirpa ready to slay some dragons, and the dragons being 23 year old blonde women talking about their future in reality television. The women leaving the show continue to warn Colton that some aren’t ready to get engaged. Well no shit, Sherlock! I do not think ONE of these remaining women is ready to get engaged to Mr. Underwood.

What Tayshia and Kirpa do is set up a 2 on 2 offensive play going into this week in Denver.  Tayshia says she’ll cover Caelynn, and Kirpa is doing a full court press towards Cassie. Not sure if I’m doing this sports analogy right. My only frame of reference for basketball is High School Musical.

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First 1-on-1

Colton takes Tayshia and his dog to get ice cream. Colton could barely ask her if she likes mint chocolate chip before she blurts out “I don’t want to name names, but Caelynn wants to be Bachelorette and doesn’t want to be engaged”. Colton hates it when his ladies don’t get along and is sent into an emotional tailspin.

After ice cream they go back to his apartment to cook some Trader Joe’s salmon and show her his bedroom which nothing happens in.

Colton Underwood GIF by The Bachelor

Second 1-on-1

Now that there are shots fired by Tayshia at Caelynn, Colton takes Caelynn out on a date.  They go snowboarding which looks awesome. Caelynn has been cleaning up on the good dates with Colton. First the Crazy Rich Asians shopping spree in Singapore and now shredding the slopes? Colton likes her a lot! I just remember that I knew Becca and Arie weren’t long for this world when Arie took Lauren to Machu Picchu instead of Becca. The Bachelor makes sure his favorites get the good dates!

While Colton likes Caelynn, he is worried about her sincerity in this process especially after Tayshia’s claims. Caelynn reacts pretty defensively and looks incredibly guilty.

Episode 7 Caelynn GIF by The Bachelor

Caelynn, I love you gurl, but you need to work on your acting skills if you want a future in this bizz. You are guilty as hell, but Colton likes you so you’re moving on to hometowns. As punishment for her crimes, she is forced to watch a concert of Colton’s “friend” Brett Young.

Third 1-on-1 Date

The last of the solo dates goes to Hanna Beast. She takes her best crop top sweater and heads over to the Underwood residence to meet the parents. Let me just say, my oh my Colton’s dad is a SNACK. That man can get it.

Excuse me while I slide in to Scott Underwood’s DM’s.

Hannah B. is smiling like a lunatic while she talks to Colton’s mom about how she is definitely in love with Colton. Meanwhile Colton is out back with his hot dad explaining that he isn’t there with her yet.  Ouch. Sorry Hannah B, you outta here.  As someone who also as been dumped immediately after meeting a boyfriend’s family, I find this particularly cruel. If you aren’t sure if you like someone, please do not up the stakes by introducing them to your family. It’s mean and hurtful.  I think Hannah B. is off her rocker, but she definitely handled this rejection gracefully. See you in Mexico, Hannah Beast. Roll tide!

Hissing Season 23 GIF by The Bachelor

Group Date

We have 4 ladies left and just 2 roses to give. Kirpa is ready to go all in on taking Cassie down. Somehow Hannah G. has avoided being caught in the crossfire here, which is wild because her occupation is “Content Creator” and is suspect #1 for not being here for the right reasons. How does she already have over 600k followers???

hannah g

The girls and Colty hop on an adorable train and head up to the mountains. Immediately upon arrival, Baby Giraffe Heather dumps Colton because she isn’t feeling it as much as she should be to be taking a guy back to meet her family.  Daayummm!! Never Been Kissed is way cooler than I thought, she has some chutzpa to dump the Bachelor! This now makes THREE women who have dumped Colton, a new Bachelor record. Heather gets back on the train with her long ass legs and hair and heads home to pack for Paradise.

Episode 7 Heather GIF by The Bachelor

Choo choo!

The group date continues. Kirpa is ready to strike Cassie. The game plan Kirpa and Tayshia mapped out required them to stick with the same narative: The Blondes are not ready to get married.  This has proven to rattle Colton time and time again, and Kirpa is banking on his insecurity and fear of rejection to lead him to pick her over Cassie.

At this point I’m starting to break into hives out of residual anxiety I’m feeling from everyone on screen. None of them have a damn clue who is ready for marriage, and are taking every threat so personally.  If I were the show psychologist on set I would pop a couple of xanax in their chardonnay and call it a day.

While Kirpa is slinging baseless accusations at Cassie, Hannah G. slides right into Hometowns with the Group Date rose. That gorgeous girl hasn’t said a word all season, which may just get her a proposal by default.

We saw Kirpa put up a good fight, but Colton’s cryptonite is pretty blondes so Cassie gets the final Hometown Rose.

I know it seems like we are getting close to the end here, but we still have like 4 episodes left of this season.

Episode 7 Wtf GIF by The Bachelor

 

League Scores

Colton

Last Week Standing Name Team Name Score Contestants Left
1 Gianna virginity related name to be submitted at a later date 2230 4
2 Caitlin Colton Underwood? More like Under-WOULDN’T 2150 4
1+ 3 Molly Rose I’m only watching in case Colton comes out 2075 4
1+ 3 Nikki Colt 45 and Chris Harrison, baby that’s all we need 2075 3
1+ 5 Lauren A season without a Lauren! 2060 3
-3 6 Alex H. Is it the Bachelor if there aren’t any Laurens? 2030 4
1+ 7 Kathia Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time? I think NOT. 2010 4
1+ 8 Julie S. Not Here to Make Friends 2000 4
9 Kelly You’re a virgin who can’t drive 1980 3
1+ 10 Micaela The Cherries 1965 4
-2 11 Mark When You’re Ready… 1935 3
-5 12 Sarah H. Ugh as if 1930 3
-1 13 Amanda Colton was kicked off the practice squad 1925 4
14 Liz Like sloths to a flame 1865 3
15 Lucy Pour Out a Coors for #BlakeforBachelor 1825 4
16 Sylvie I’m A Sloth, Duh 1820 2
17 Megan TheRightReasons69 1810 3
18 Jacob I like my Bachelors like I like my olive oil… extra virgin. 1770 3
1+ 19 Julie L. 90 Seconds with Jules 1725 3
-2 20 Blair Blonde Babes 1705 1
-1 21 Sarah P. I’d Climb Over a Gate to Escape From This Season Too 1695 3
22 Mtl-M FlowerRobbers 1670 3
23 Kayla Being A Virgin Isn’t a Personality Trait 1645 4
2+ 24 Jason “Mmmmmm I Like This!” 1575 3
25 Kent If Sherman Has Sex Before I Do I’m Gonna Be Pissed 1555 2
-2 26 Joe Molten Colton 1545 2
27 Keturah started from the becca, now we’re here… 1460 1
4+ 28 Hadas Rose Before Bros 1430 3
3+ 28 Katie R. r u still a virgin if it’s in the Buttz Galore 1430 2
-2 30 Devin kitty named Kitty 1415 1
-1 31 Weston Token White Male 1335 2
32 Trintee Miss Cherry Poppins 1315 2
-4 33 Anthony xo_~*eVerY Ro$e Ha$ a tHoRN*~_xo 1300 0
34 Nate Over the Wall 1270 2
35 Will Will’s Wacky Team 1065 2
36 Kate J. Born Again Virgin 920 1
37 Matt Better laid than never… 775 1
38 Katie J. At this point, I’m only here for Neil Lane 665 1
39 Marillyn NFL – Never Felt a Lady 510 0

This marathon is far from over, but we are seeing some trends settle on the leaderboard. Will anyone overtake Gianna’s lead??? Shout out to Hadas, Katie R., and Jason for great weeks moving up some spots! Some of you had tougher weeks, but I know you will make it up.

Don’t forget to submit your teams if you are fortunate enough to have all 4 remaining women on your team. Team selection is due Monday at 8 pm.

Fantasy League Team Submissions

xoxo Madam Commissioner

Reminder – Team Submissions

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Tonight will be our first episode without our beloved Demi. The only prayer I have of this episode being super noteworthy is if we get that fence jump. Let’s all hold hands around a fire and chant “Jump that fence, jump that fence” until the Bachelor Gods Grant us what we have been waiting for.

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You have until 8 pm to decide which 3 ladies on your team can earn points. There are a lot of tears and screaming “not here for the right reasons” so I expect there to be lots of opportunities to score BIG.

Fantasy League Team Submissions

xoxo Madam Commissioner

Colton – Week 6

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We survived our first To Be Continued of the season!!! And much like Colton waiting for 26 years to lose his virginity, it wasn’t worth it. We had to wait a whole week just to see Colton cut Onyeka and Nicole’s crying ass to the curb.

We are off to our third Asian country that none of these contestants can even find on a map, Vietnam! Let’s see how we can offend another beautiful country and culture. I’m very excited to get to my recap of the rest of this episode, but I would be fooling myself if I thought I could do it any justice.  Please head over to read Ali Barthwell’s recap at Vulture, this should win a Pulitzer.

The Bachelor Recap: Beware of Shiny Objects

So going into next week, will the gaggle of 23 year old blonde women admit they are looking for Instagram Business opportunities and NOT a husband?

Will Colton jump that fence already???? I can’t be sure. I don’t trust anything ABC says at this point.

League Scores

Colton

Last Week Standing Name Team Name Score Contestants Left
1 Gianna virginity related name to be submitted at a later date 1955 6
2 Caitlin Colton Underwood? More like Under-WOULDN’T 1875 5
3 Alex H. Is it the Bachelor if there aren’t any Laurens? 1825 6
1+ 4 Molly Rose I’m only watching in case Colton comes out 1800 4
4 Nikki Colt 45 and Chris Harrison, baby that’s all we need 1800 4
6 Lauren A season without a Lauren! 1785 4
1+ 7 Sarah H. Ugh as if 1740 4
1+ 8 Kathia Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time? I think NOT. 1735 4
-2 9 Julie S. Not Here to Make Friends 1725 5
1+ 9 Kelly You’re a virgin who can’t drive 1725 6
1+ 11 Micaela The Cherries 1690 5
1+ 12 Amanda Colton was kicked off the practice squad 1685 5
-2 13 Mark When You’re Ready… 1650 4
14 Liz Like sloths to a flame 1625 4
3+ 15 Lucy Pour Out a Coors for #BlakeforBachelor 1570 4
16 Sylvie I’m A Sloth, Duh 1545 3
-2 17 Megan TheRightReasons69 1535 4
-1 18 Blair Blonde Babes 1495 3
1+ 18 Jacob I like my Bachelors like I like my olive oil… extra virgin. 1495 4
20 Julie L. 90 Seconds with Jules 1440 4
2+ 20 Sarah P. I’d Climb Over a Gate to Escape From This Season Too 1440 4
-2 22 Mtl-M FlowerRobbers 1415 3
2+ 23 Kayla Being A Virgin Isn’t a Personality Trait 1370 4
24 Joe Molten Colton 1330 3
4+ 25 Kent If Sherman Has Sex Before I Do I’m Gonna Be Pissed 1315 3
1+ 26 Jason “Mmmmmm I Like This!” 1300 3
-4 27 Keturah started from the becca, now we’re here… 1280 2
28 Devin kitty named Kitty 1270 2
-3 29 Anthony xo_~*eVerY Ro$e Ha$ a tHoRN*~_xo 1260 1
2+ 30 Weston Token White Male 1185 2
31 Katie R. r u still a virgin if it’s in the Buttz Galore 1170 3
1+ 32 Hadas Rose Before Bros 1165 3
-2 32 Trintee Miss Cherry Poppins 1165 2
34 Nate Over the Wall 1110 2
35 Will Will’s Wacky Team 870 2
36 Kate J. Born Again Virgin 850 1
37 Matt Better laid than never… 705 1
38 Katie J. At this point, I’m only here for Neil Lane 595 1
39 Marillyn NFL – Never Felt a Lady 510 0

Thank goodness we had that mid-season draft! Some of you failed to submit your picks, and I’m ashamed of your lack of dedication. You are just leaving some amazing points on the table, your loss though I suppose.

Please don’t forget to submit your picks for the week if you have more the 3 left on your team. Holler if you don’t remember who have on your team!

Fantasy League Team Submissions

xoxo Madam Commissioner

Reminder: Mid-Season Draft & Team Submissions

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Happy Monday my loves! Hope you enjoyed the Grammys last night, but it is back into bizznasss with The Bachelor today.  You have a few action items you need to complete before 8 pm.

  1. Submit your Mid-Season Draft Pick.
  2. If after you draft someone you have more than THREE contestants remaining your team, you need to select who will be earning points for you that episode. That’s right, from now on you only earn points for THREE contestants per episode. Don’t forget to submit your picks here!

If you aren’t sure who is left on your team, please contact me ASAP so I can look it up for you.

If you are wondering who you should draft, here are some recommendations from yours truly, Madam Commissioner.

Hannah G.

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Look at this beautiful angel! I love her, Colton loves her, American loves her.  She seems like a good bet to pick up.

Cassie

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Our next eligible blonde is Cassie! She clearly has chemistry with Colton and seems like a sweet heart.

Caelynn

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Now Caelynn isn’t technically blonde, which is a huge liability in this game, but she does seem to have caught Colton’s eye. Miss North Carolina and Miss USA 1st runner up would be a great addition to any team.

Tayshia

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Our divorcee is makin’ moooooves with Colton! She is boldly stealing him away for time, and Colton is INTO IT. She also is one of the only people who is a reasonable age to be considering marriage.

Hannah B.

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Hannah B. coming in as the 2nd best Hannah and the 2nd Best Beauty Queen is a tough spot, but have you seen the girl unhinge her jaw?? She’s def got a volatile side that could really rake in the points.

Demi

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Mahhhh gurrrlll Demi!!! She has been no doubt a high points earner this season, will she win Colton over in the long run? Unclear, but if she makes it to hometowns and her mom is out of prison you will want her on your team.

Heather

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The only thing longer than Heather’s hair is her legs. The only thing longer than her legs is the lies she spins about having dated a guy for eight months yet never kissed him. She’s an instigator and gives terrible advice to rile people up. Scoop up this girl for assist points, but don’t bank on her getting engaged to Colton.

Sydney

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Sydney has the curse of being a reasonable person and thus not getting much airtime. I’m not so sure how many points she will be picking up for the remainder of the season, but I do recommend taking her bar class at Physique 57 in FiDi or Tribeca if you have the opportunity.

The Rest

I can’t in good conscience tell you drafting Onyeka, Nicole, or Kirpa is a good idea. They will be gone so soon, but if you feel compelled sure pick em up.

That’s all folks! And as my father would say, make good choices!

xoxo Madam Commissioner