Happy Friday!!!! Apologies that this is coming 2 days later than I would like. I feel like every season around this time I get a bit fatigued and getting this out super quick just seems impossible. I hope I didn’t fuck up your week too much, but if you are hinging your week off of a grassroots cheap as hell Bachelor Fantasy League then I think you need to turn inward and evaluate your priorities.
Jumping into week 5, we are in Thailand! The women can hardly believe it, and neither can I tbh. In Becca’s season week 5 was in Las Vegas. Arie was in FT. LAUDERDALE. I don’t know if Colton saw a dead hooker in Mike Fleiss’s hotel room, but damn he has some dirt on someone to get to go to Thailand this early in the season.
First 1-on-1 Date
Heather is chosen to go souvenir shopping. Which is perfect because only a 22 year old who has never kissed a boy would think a tie-dye t-shirt with a screen print would be ~*<aUtHenTiC>*~ Thailand. I would like to hook Colton up to a polygraph test if he believes Heather’s BULL SHIT story about dating a guy for EIGHT GOT DAMN MONTHS yet never kissing him. There is just no way this is even possibly true. She is either lying that she A). has never kissed anyone or B) dated a guy for eight months.
WILL THIS MYSTERY MAN PLEASE COME FORWARD? I will offer tens of dollars in reward to anyone who thinks they dated Heather for eight months. This girl is disillusion. I also can’t take anyone who is 22 years old seriously when they say “I haven’t felt this way in a long time”. What on god’s green earth do you consider a long time, Heather Boo-boo??? I’m guessing a long time ago means since Spring Semester of 2018. I have had empty wine bottles in my house longer than that.
I also would like to know what the producers bribed Colton with to get him to give Heather her first kiss with fireworks playing in the background. Colton is a terrible actor because it was obvious as hell. I am happy Heather had her first kiss that was probably way better than mine at band camp with a guy named Patrick who played the clarinet and smelled like Off-Bugspray.
Elyse’s Meltdown
If you put me in a house of 23 year olds talking about having their first kiss I would have a massive meltdown too. I think my meltdown would look a lot different than Elyse, but I do hope I would put on a statement dress and a full face for my big moment.
Poor Elyse, she went on The Bachelor about 5 years too late because at 31 ain’t no body have time for this bullshit.
So long my brave, red headed cougar!
Group Date
The group dates are starting to seem like an exercise in who can endure the most torture. I watch this show for some aspirational dating activities! Give me helicopters, give me spas, give me shopping spree! Do not give me some budget Hunger Games shit. While you know I love watching Colton squeal in terror, I do not enjoy watching 11 women tramps through a hot and humid jungle looking for bugs to eat.
Luckily my girl Demi has some other ideas. She enlists the help of a producer to get hamburgers and champagne from the hotel instead of digging for grub. If I can take away anything from this season of The Bachelor, it’s that Demi is fun as hell. I would like to be friends with her.
At the cocktail party Hannah B drops the “I’m falling in love” bomb and secures the group date rose.
Onyeka has decided to target Nicole, the sweet girl from Miami with an autistic brother, by saying she’s emotionally unstable because she cries a lot. I cry constantly and maybe that makes me emotionally unstable, but I think it’s mainly just a really good quality to have in a contestant on your Bachelor Fantasy League team because you get 25 points for on camera crying.
Second 1-on-1 Date
Colton finally gets to take Cassie out on a date. I feel like all I know about her is that she looks like a Hollister ad come to life and that she went to a super religious college. Most of you may have heard that Cassie was in a Youtube Reality show called Young Once which chronicled the life of college students at the ulra-conservative Biola University. I watched like 4 episodes and all I learned is that there are some rich, white, righteous kids out there paying way too much in tuition to have a boring collegiate experience.
Cassie’s so very sweet and normal, but because of her upbringing she feels the need to confess that she is not a virgin. The producers have edited this conversation to not include any talk of her religion so the whole interaction doesn’t make any sense. Colton is clearly obsessed with her and brings her into his hotel room to get a handy under the covers.
Cocktail Party
This is when Onyeka and Nicole really lose their damn minds. They spend the entire cocktail portion of the date yelling at full volume about who sucks more (The answer is Onyeka, btw). As we have learned from the Battle of the Beauty Queens, Colton does not like conflict between his girlfriends. We end on a cliffhanger of Colton having a mental breakdown.
Will we finally get to see him jump the gate next week?????
League Scores
| Last Week | Standing | Name | Team Name | Score | Contestants Left |
| 1+ | 1 | Gianna | virginity related name to be submitted at a later date | 1570 | 7 |
| 2+ | 2 | Caitlin | Colton Underwood? More like Under-WOULDN’T | 1560 | 5 |
| – | 3 | Alex H. | Is it the Bachelor if there aren’t any Laurens? | 1555 | 6 |
| -3 | 4 | Nikki | Colt 45 and Chris Harrison, baby that’s all we need | 1545 | 4 |
| 1+ | 5 | Molly Rose | I’m only watching in case Colton comes out | 1470 | 5 |
| -1 | 6 | Lauren | A season without a Lauren! | 1455 | 5 |
| 1+ | 7 | Julie S. | Not Here to Make Friends | 1415 | 5 |
| 6+ | 8 | Sarah H. | Ugh as if | 1410 | 4 |
| 2+ | 9 | Kathia | Like a Virgin, touched for the very first time? I think NOT. | 1405 | 4 |
| 2+ | 10 | Kelly | You’re a virgin who can’t drive | 1400 | 5 |
| -2 | 11 | Mark | When You’re Ready… | 1395 | 5 |
| -5 | 12 | Micaela | The Cherries | 1385 | 6 |
| -3 | 13 | Amanda | Colton was kicked off the practice squad | 1370 | 6 |
| 1+ | 14 | Liz | Like sloths to a flame | 1320 | 5 |
| 2+ | 15 | Megan | TheRightReasons69 | 1290 | 4 |
| 1+ | 16 | Sylvie | I’m A Sloth, Duh | 1275 | 4 |
| 5+ | 17 | Blair | Blonde Babes | 1255 | 4 |
| -5 | 18 | Lucy | Pour Out a Coors for #BlakeforBachelor | 1240 | 4 |
| – | 19 | Jacob | I like my Bachelors like I like my olive oil… extra virgin. | 1210 | 3 |
| – | 20 | Julie L. | 90 Seconds with Jules | 1145 | 4 |
| 1+ | 20 | Mtl-M | FlowerRobbers | 1145 | 4 |
| 1+ | 22 | Sarah P. | I’d Climb Over a Gate to Escape From This Season Too | 1130 | 3 |
| 1+ | 23 | Keturah | started from the becca, now we’re here… | 1120 | 2 |
| -8 | 24 | Joe | Molten Colton | 1080 | 4 |
| – | 25 | Kayla | Being A Virgin Isn’t a Personality Trait | 1060 | 5 |
| 2+ | 26 | Anthony | xo_~*eVerY Ro$e Ha$ a tHoRN*~_xo | 1050 | 3 |
| -1 | 27 | Jason | “Mmmmmm I Like This!” | 1020 | 3 |
| -1 | 28 | Devin | kitty named Kitty | 1010 | 3 |
| – | 29 | Kent | If Sherman Has Sex Before I Do I’m Gonna Be Pissed | 1005 | 3 |
| 1 | 30 | Trintee | Miss Cherry Poppins | 910 | 3 |
| 1+ | 31 | Katie R. | r u still a virgin if it’s in the Buttz Galore | 890 | 3 |
| 2+ | 32 | Weston | Token White Male | 855 | 3 |
| -3 | 33 | Hadas | Rose Before Bros | 825 | 2 |
| -2 | 34 | Nate | Over the Wall | 795 | 2 |
| – | 35 | Will | Will’s Wacky Team | 710 | 2 |
| – | 36 | Kate J. | Born Again Virgin | 620 | 2 |
| – | 37 | Matt | Better laid than never… | 475 | 1 |
| – | 38 | Katie J. | At this point, I’m only here for Neil Lane | 460 | 1 |
| – | 39 | Marillyn | NFL – Never Felt a Lady | 415 | 1 |
Another week another leader on top! Congrats Gianna, you are also the only person with a fully intact team left!
We are right in the middle of the season, so there is plenty of time for some upsets. But do you know what it is really time for?
MID-SEASON DRAFT!
I’m sure you’ve been tracking the contestants to decide which you overlooked in the first draft and need to get on your team. I will provide some power rankings on Monday, but if you already have made your decision, submit your draft pick now!
Starting next week we have another big change – for each episode you can only earn points for THREE contestants. So take a look at your roster and remember to submit your picks to play in Episode 6 by Monday. You can start earning points for your new draft pick in Episode 6 as well, so this is a huge opportunity that have lost a lot of your bench already!
If you still have 7 contestants on your team (Gianna), you are eligible for the 100 point bonus. You may choose to keep this bonus OR draft an 8th woman. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Link for Episode 6 picks below:
Fantasy League Team Submissions
If you have any questions about the draft process or who you have left on your team, please slide into my DMs!
Until next time,
xoxo Madam Commissioner
Madam Commissioner 